American Standard Toiletries

(Bowled Over)
Just when you hope you've heard the last of OJ Simpson, he steals the headlines and provides us with reems of toilet paper and 24 hour boobtube coverage for the "great unwashed." The bathroom tome consists of daily stories about an armed robbery by a sinister posse led by the slasher himself. The Juice calls the raid a "swat sting" to liberate his sports memorabilia. Las Vegas prosecutors hit OJ and his three pals with 10 felony counts for the hotel stickup, including assault and kidnapping. He sat in jail for 3 days and today made a deal and is..at large. Home to Florida.

(Washed-up)
Pop tart Britney Spears has been ordered to undergo random drug and booze testing twice a week. Although the judge declined to modify the custodial time share between BS and JT..the panty challenged warbler, Spears, and the wannabee rapper Kevin Federline are sentenced to see a parenting coach atleast eight hours each week...together.

(On a roll)
Louisiana, The Jena Six...Al Sharpton has organized a bus tour and demonstration of (around) 50,000 to protest the treatment of 6 black football players who beat up a white student, Justin Barker, who was punched, kicked and hospitalized; apparently because of nooses hung in a tree.

On Friday, Mychal Bell 16, charged with attempted murder, unable to pay $90,000 bail, jailed since January...lucked out when the spineless state Appeals Court threw out his conviction of aggravated battery because he was tried as an adult. The promised arrival of thousands of demonstrators to this rural town is unnerving locals who fear the protest will spark chaos and the destruction of property; not to mention the march of thousands of outsiders outrageously honoring the 6 violent, lawbreaking thugs might encourage random beatings of other white residents of Jena.

(Head of the class)
University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, was arrested and tasered by police when he interrupted a speaking engagement by Sen.John Kerry at a campus forum. The bizarre incident, I'm sure, woke the crowd dazed into a fishy eyed spell by Kerry's monotone oratory (Kerry, cluelessly just kept talking and talking through it all); however, Meyer represents the pseudo-journalist/bloggers who use techno-gadgets to "make the news" instead of reporting it.

(Unloaded)
He charged to the head of the line of questioners, grabbed the microphone and confronted Kerry about his weak campaign style in '04. The police ordered the jerk, Meyers, to stop...his turn was over. A scuffle ensued, Meyer was tased and removed. Later it was discovered that Meyers had manipulated the whole thing. He had handed his video-phone to another student and instructed her to film what was about to happen for his blog, UTube and the mindless Media, who surely would welcome this dodo as relief from the serious, complicated, real news topics like, the Presidential Primary or the War in Iraq.

But I digress..Alas, too many news fabricators like Meyers are in the pipeline...Is this what we have to look forward to...lame brain reporters who make up the news because reality is too hard? Are we approaching the end of the line for informed, honest journalists that do the research and present each and every facet of the story in historical context so we know the truth and get the complete picture?

(Flush)
Sheeeesh...Daily News is in the crapper...Woezzzz...me.